Unmasked

Today, I talked about trees and friendship. Young friendships are young trees, needing time and patience to grow. They all grow at different speeds and in different niches. I wouldnt put my weight on a tree until it can support it. I do have a few good strong trees nearby: Ann, a solid vibrant oak right in the forefront, Hoang and cuong, yews that retreats into the mist sometimes, but come out when I need them. Travis is more like a seminole tree, letting me sit on his broad roots without me climbing to the skinny top. I have alot of young trees around me: oscar, zia, nancy, mohammed. I have other strong trees, but they've moved off into the distance, through space or emotion. I know they're only a little effort away, but sometimes, in my mindscape, it's only easy to see the plain grass around me, or the obviously near trees.

I am tired of the same old problems from the same old people. Over and over the people around me do the same stupid shit. You'd think they'd learn after, you know, third times the charm? no... they dont learn after the 500th time. I'm so tired of this cycle.

I normally trivialize it. "Oh it happens all the time. Oh that's just how it is. Oh it's not that bad. Ohh it doesnt break my heart.. much." but I know its not right and wears away at me like waves on rock, leaving a little more sadness each time. I dont want to eventually be sand. Why dont people learn?

Someone used bubblebath the last time they bathed, and didnt rinse it out well enough. I'm allergic to bubble bath. As soon as I stepped into the bath, my feet turned bright red, and created a line like a bad sunburn around my ankles at the watermark. Sigh, they were like that for an hour. Atleast I got out before they started burning too bad. Theyre back to normal.

ps. got my license today, and my h1n1 shot.

Apparently, I'm a bleeder. The nurse had to put two bandaids over the shot and apply pressure for 5 mins before it stopped bleeding. She applied so much pressure that she kept pushing me further and further to the side until I almost fell over the arm of the chair haha.

It was so good. I saw it on friday with Lauren and her random friends. I got stuck next to the obsessive Edward fan who boo-ed loudly whenever Jacob came on screen -__-. I think this woman was older than me by a good 2-3 years. As the movie went on, I couldnt help thinking over and over "this is so much better than the first one." The only part I didnt like was the bella drowning scene. They had some random music in there, and I thought it should have been silent, or had a heartbeat or something. The music made it cheeser... and they cut out jacob CPR scene haha. I was surprised though, Taylor Lautner did a great job. His expressions were perfect.

All day long: Brrrr.


I think winter has come.

Hoangs such a great guy once you get to know him, and if he likes you. He seems so quiet, and can be mistaken for aloof, but if you come to him with a problem, he fixes it. He remembers everyones birthday. He's there if you need him. He always called me his "white little sister". I take that as a big compliment. He's a strange one, but he always pops up when I need him, sometimes when I dont even know I need him.

Yay for great friends :)

On Friday, I woke up, did a few hours of homework in preparation for the Japanese test. I went in early, stopped by starbucks. I tried something new, the eggnog latte (alright) and the berry coffeecake(good). Then, I met up with Zia and James, to study for said test. Zia gave me back the book I lent, I borrowed his flashdrive with the audio files for class on it. I couldnt finish my coffee, so I offered it to the group in general. Zia took it. Zia never takes anything offered to him, too proud. Zia's a character. I think he's starting to trust me though. That's good, he would be a good friend I think.

Zia and I had to do the dialogue part of the test together. That was painful. I chose person A in the conversation. Only later did I realize person B was sooo much harder. One question was "do you have a problem?" the only response I could think of in japanese was "I cant sleep". Zia's eyes bugged out then and he stared at me. Then I realized he had to give me advice in japanese... He couldnt think of anything for a awkwardly long time. I told him to drink tea. He translated it, but I still think I lowered his grade alot. :(

After the test, I ran into Ann. She heard I was going to Ishi's anyway (to celebrate a good test and the end of this bad luck week). She offered a ride. At Ishi's, I waited for my mom to join me, while chitchating idly with Ann over things that didnt really matter. It's been a long time since I've sat with someone and did that it seems. Mom arrived and her boisterious self overwhelmed the conversation, but I was fine to sit back and sip tea. I talked with Peter a bit. He's 20! I never knew. He's starting culinary arts in the spring at cpcc. I feel bad, he got into johnston & wales. He just couldnt afford the Ivy League tuition. 40K a yr. I think he'll be fine though. He'll make a good cook. I like him more as he gets older. He's another character.

I went to vvn with Julie. The students are so undisciplined now. I've forgotten so much, and was just left in charge of a class. I felt bad. It makes me determined to relearn what I forgot and atleast be a decent teacher, if not a decent martial artist.

All these little details feel special to me, because, even though theyre so normal, theyre rare for me. I live mostly alone and quietly. I rarely go out. The give and take of normal socialization doesnt happen to me as much. I rarely borrow things, or have things borrowed. I rarely chitchat to people in person, or even have time to sit quietly next to a good friend.

I hugged him today. I had forgotten how perfect it feels. He pulls me just tight enough to bring me back to reality and just gentle enough to feel adored. I wasnt even expecting it. I just ran into him in the bookstore. He hugged me when he saw me, and I noticed his black eye. I turned him toward me slowly and looked concernedly at it. He explained it away as wrestling practice. He promised to rub an egg on it tonight. That made me smile.

After being sick for 4 days, I was pretty out of it. I mostly just mindlessly floated around the bookstore making the odd comment here or there. After a brief time, he said he was leaving and hugged me again. Yet, he stalled, as we all tend to do. Finally, some mins later, he said "This is the last time, I'm really leaving now." and hugged me once more. This time, my heart skipped. I havent had that reaction in years.

This chemistry, I dont know if I'll ever escape it. Even after two (three?) years, my body still reacts this way. It's some type of loyalty that I didnt know that I possess. I guess it doesnt effect him the way it does me, he's never shown a sign of it after. I really wish he did.

I got ISFJ, which is the genre "Guardian" type personality on the Meyers test. I got the subgenre "Protector".

Apparently, my whole life revolves around protecting those around me.

I should be a marine.

My mom told me to get my h1n1 vaccine on campus today.

1 hour 30 mins, 4 buildings, 2 trips across campus, 1 pair of new boots, and a conversation in japanese later and I still didnt qualify for the freaking vaccine.

Do you know what I DID to get to the stupid room where the vaccines were? Then they said I was too much of a risk factor and they'd call me back when they had more of the injectable form -__-
fmylife.

Sakura confesses to Naruto.

and gets SHOT DOWN!

hahahahahha YESS he told her he hates people like her.
I hate sakura.

I went to the Ballroom clubs halloween party. It was so much fun, and all the costumes were so cute. I saw a sexy alice in wonderland, a man-in-a-shower, caesar and cleopatra, the elf from deltorra quest?, and a mad scientist (complete with bifocals. haha I made friends with a guy named Phu and ended up dancing with him for most of the next four hours haha . I learned the box waltz, and swing, and rumba, and cha-cha. Sigh, SOO much fun. Except this creepy indian guy that kept hitting on me because of my costume. "ohh wood nymphs are legendary are they? Infamous too? They punish miscchevious children? Does that mean you'll punish me?" eww what a cheeseball. At the end of the night, Phu walked me to wait for my ride. He sat and talked a bit. He seems like a really nice guy :)

She told me I jerk in my sleep.


She told me that I scared her in my sleep once. I sat up suddenly, still asleep, then fell right back down. She's the only person that has had that reaction to me sleeping. My mom would just cuddle me. My brothers would come and sleep with me when they were scared of the dark.

But the worst, the stalkers; They all thought I was "cute" when I slept. People have sent me pictures of myself sleeping on a bus or in a classroom in the mail. Dozens of them. Bricks of photos. So now, I'm scared when people think my sleeping is cute. I don't trust anyone that does. It makes me very anxious.

But Kiwi is different. I don't have to worry about her. It's.. nice.

I saw Khoi! Hung out with him the whole time. He's so chill :)
Mom and I made him climb the rockwall with us. He climbed all the way to the top even though he's scared of heights. Ryan got two fish for prizes. Nobody bought my popcorn -__-.

6.

Six people.

Two in person.

One man just offered me hundreds of dollars for my used, broken in, worn-a-whole-through sandals.

eww.

So now that I'm back from break, I'm falling back into routine. Routine. Since when did this become routine? My new swirling life of happy friends and obscure textbooks and last minute deadlines.

I walked in to Sociology today and sat in my "square" with Nancy, Heather and Seth in their places. Chianti on my left. They smiled at me. I asked where Mohammad was, concerned that he was late. It's not like him. Then I realized. I KNEW what he was like. These people had become close to me. I depended on them. I missed them.

The same thing happened in my japanese class yesterday. I came in late for the first time (having just gotten off a flight) and look around anxiously, not seeing a seat. Melly Rose discretely caught my eye and glanced over at the only seat left. I slide in next to Yesul, a sweet girl, slightly disapointed not to be sitting in my normal seat between Oscar and Zia, but pleased to be with another friend nonetheless. Ichinoseki-sensei made a point of saying "Konnichiwa" and smiling at me in understanding as she passed by. I had to make up the quiz I missed by being late, so I stayed after. Oscar lingered for 2 mins or so. He was looking at me expectantly, and I realized he was waiting for me. We informally walk out together and take the stairs together. I told him to go on. He looked somewhat put-out. That... made me feel a tug inside.

These small comfortable happening, signs that I'm accepted and noticed and NEEDED, are so important to me. I have a space to fill, whether I'm there or not. People don't just forget that I exist when I'm not there. That something that I've always feared a little, deep down. Had nightmare about it. This prove of existance though, its so heartwarming. These friends, good ones, are so kind. They make me so happy.

I was afraid in high school that if I left my friends behind, I would never make anymore. I would be a ghost floating through the halls of college, unnoticed and uncared for. I've surprised myself though. I CAN make friends: reliable, loyal ones. All I need to do is smile and start talking. It's so different than the last two years, where the only friends I had were the loyal ones I've had from before. I clung to them. I still do in my heart, because I still love them. Yet, I have more room for others. There is room in my heart for more people. It doesn't have a carrying capacity like it did the last two years. That finite number of people I could care about, and who could care about me. It's eye-opening.

right when i was getting happy that math class was over, someone dropped their dr. pepper as they opened it. and it spray straight out...
onto me. and my white skirt. fml. haha

Today, I've been pms-y and witchy and just down-right snappy. No reason, just didnt want to talk to anyone. My mom thought I was mad at her, my dad thought I was sick. Just an off-day.

Then my little brother comes home, and I watch Spiderman with him. We cuddled up on the couch and suddenly, I was all better. All the frustration of writersblock on that paper due in two days, and why the tv wouldnt work the right way, and if I'll be able to visit my dad and everything just melted away.

Halfway through the movie, my other brother calls. Charming, Silly David. The last dredges of my bad mood faded away with his funny stories about mixing me up with another jessica in his address book and leaving her three messages saying "Love you, Call me." He mixed us up because he has me listed in his phone as "TwinkleMonkey."

After the call, I went back to snuggle with ryan in the overly-large ottomen and finished the movie.

It's rare these overly fond moments of brotherly love, but I miss them. They make me feel so much better, and have so much more hope in humanity. If small things like this can make my stress-levels disapear, then the world in general should be fine, as long as we stick together.

I understand, I think, why Gaia fell in love with the sky.In a time before the gods, Mother Earth lay every day and night next to the sky, but never being able to touch it. Time passing made her adore him more and more. Never yearning to be like him, or to be IN him. She never wanted to fly, just to remain near him was enough. To touch him was a bliss too strong, too powerful, it would end the world.

I always wondered why I never dreamt of flying. Never. I dreamt of great forests and deep seas, beautiful coral reefs and lands made of shadows. Yet, I never dreamt of flying: bird, plane or superman-style. Yet, I get irritated if I cant see the sky. The happiest blue. I think I'm more of a mother earth. I just want it there. That's how I am. It's confusingly simplistic, but if you understand it, then you understand me more than just about anyone.

The myth had always bothered me, coming back to me as I studied, or ate, or showered. A little niggling thing in the back of my mind, months and years apart. I must have read it in 4th grade, but I think I finally understand the emotion I felt from it. Finally, I understand I'd like to sit quietly and adore something with such gentleness that its painful.

He's moving again. Destination of choice?

drumroll:

Daytona Beach, Florida.

The Shore's Resort, 4-star, Highest rated hotel in Daytona. Spa, Azure restuarant, beachfront pool, and cabana service.

xD NICCCCCCCEEE.

And! He's only a days drive away!